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melissa sara's Journal
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Date:2004-07-01 08:29
Subject:So...
Security:Public

So...

Bad couple of past days. The other night Steven (my little brother) and Ryan (my...brother) decided to have a party at my house. My parents said okay. They were home. Nobody was drinking. A bunch of kids just came over and they were playing cards and playstation and everything was going fine. Then all of a sudden, 8 car fulls of kids roll up my drive way and nobody knows who they are. Steven goes downstairs to ask them to leave, they were trying to get into the house. In the process he got beat unconscious with a bowling ball, a tire iron, and a baseball bat until my dad came downstairs and found him lying down in a pool of his own blood. Then Ryan went downstairs to see what was going on and they continued to beating up Ryan with a whiskey bottle and the same tire iron, until he was unconscious as well. My mom went down during this time and tried pulling one of the kids off of Ryan and one of the kids pushed my mother. My dad was trying to help steven and yelled to someone to call the police. Somebody called and ambulances came to get Steven and Ryan. This scared the kids away. Steven and Ryan were in the hospital for a few days. They are okay now. Nobody knows who the kids were who came to my house, but they were looking for one kid who was at the party. That kid they were looking for, was hiding in my bathroom the whole time this was going on. I've been home in connecticut, making sure they are okay. My parents seem a bit scared, as am I. Especially because the kids had guns on them. and of course I cannot do anything about it because I am helpless myself, and that makes me more mad than you can imagine.

So if you have not heard from me, I have been in connecticut. I will be moving out of philadelphia in a month from today and I am sad to do so.

I have also been very sick lately. If you have not heard from me, then you do not know that I have inflamed muscles in my brain and neck which is giving me very very bad pain on one side of my head. I have not been able to sleep from it, and I went to a neurologist the other day and they put me on steroids and valiums to help the pain. I have to go in for an MRI soon.

Other than all of that, I have been working at the van and that is all i have been doing. Iw ill be in florida next week and I hope to see Jenny and Bella, though i have not spoken to jenny in quite some time and I hope that everything is okay. I miss her and hope to talk to her soon when I am either not sleeping or not at work.

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Date:2004-04-23 00:15
Subject:Once again, i'm about to rant about bullshit. Please don't assume that this is about you.
Security:Public

I am in florida. It makes me sad and depressed. Today was not a good day. most of my days are ok, but if i ever say "yeah i'm not doin so well today" that usually means i'm doing really really bad.

So yeah, i'm not doin so well today.

And I hate everything and everyone. I am so sick and tired of people. I'm so sick and tired of people and their bullshit. Everyone thinks they're original. Everything thinks there something new and exciting. Something tough and different. Whoever is trying hard to be something different, something original, is trying for all the wrong reasons.

I'm just sick of seeing it.

I love kids who can have a good time. I love kids who can sit at a diner and just talk and have a good fucking time. Kids who don't need to be out to be seen out, who don't need to be partying or in some bar just so they can say "yeah i went out last night". I love kids who can dance for the fuck of it for no reason and not give a shit. I love you, whoever you are. i do like some things...i am not THAT bitter.

But i'm tired of everyone thinking they are tough. I am tired of everyone thinking they are cool. "Cool" and "Popular" ended in high school, or so i thought. and if you think you are cool or popular at this point, then you are fucking kidding yourself. People think you're cool or tough or so unfortunate or poor and lonely and sad and needy and helpless and it's all so sad and pathetic and i'm tired of it.

Get over it. Let the poor be the poor. Let the lonely be lonely. Or the happy be the happy. Let them have that. Nobody gets enough attention. Everyone is deprived. Everyone needs more and more and more until their head explodes.

but don't be afraid of who you are. Everyone has their downs. If you're low on cash, don't say you're poor. Cos you're not. Don't feel sorry for yourself, cos it'll get better. If you're lonely, don't whine. Don't cry over it. Do something about it. Go out on your own. Meet new people. If you're sad, be sad. Do what you have to do to get better, but don't complain unless you take some action.

and listen, i'm no fucking prized piece either. Whoever is reading this and thinking "who the fuck is she to talk?", well, i'm fucking nobody. I'm just a fuckin weirdo, awkward, depressed girl who doesn't have many friends and stays in her apartment most of the time unless she is with her family. But i'm okay with that.

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Date:2004-04-16 10:16
Subject:Whoever reads this, has to do it.
Security:Public

"I want everyone who reads this to ask me 3 questions, no more no less.
Ask me anything you want and I will answer it.

Then, I want you to go to your journal, copy and paste this allowing your friends (including myself) to ask you anything."


(just don't ask me mean questions that will make me feel bad, or you could ask me mean questions, i don't care, but i just won't be your friend afterwards)

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Date:2004-04-06 04:30
Subject:LET'S TALK ABOUT ME...
Security:Public

FILL THIS OUT ABOUT ME AND LET ME READ IT AND GO "AWW, THATS SO SWEET" OR "FUCK THAT YOU STUPID CUNT, FUCK YOU"



1. give me a nickname and explain why you picked it?
2. how long have you known me?
3. when and how did we first meet?
4. what was your first impression?
5. do you still think that way about me now?
6. what do you think my weakness is?
7. do you think I'll get married?
8. what makes me happy?
9. what makes me sad?
10. what reminds you of me?
11. if you could give me anything what would it be?
12. how well do you know me?
13. ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
14. do you think I could kill someone?
15. describe me in one word.
16. do you think our friendship is getting stronger, weaker, or staying the same?
17. do you feel that you could talk to me about anything and I would listen?
18. are you going to put this on your live journal and see what I say about you?

1. By what name do you know me?
2. What song reminds you of me?
3. What makes me unlike anyone you know?
4. What is my best quality?
5. Where do you see me in ten years?
6. What's one thing about me you don't understand, and wish you did?
7. How do you think I'm going to die?
8. Do you find me attractive?
9. Would you date me?
10. Would you kiss me?
11. What's one thing you don't like about me?
12. Can you see us as friends five years from now?
13. What's a band you know I love?
14. What would we do with a car full of gas and an entire day to ourselves?

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Date:2004-03-30 16:47
Subject:no subject
Security:Public

This is for Jennifer Martinez. I am not sure if she knows this or not. I know jenni does. She has it tattooed on her wrist. But for some reason, i felt the need to type it out and post it here.


Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I'm tired and I
I want to go to bed.
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
And then leave me alone
Don't try to wake me in the morning
Cos I will be gone.
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I will feel so glad to go
Sing me to sleep
Sing me to sleep
I dont want to wake up
on my own anymore.
Don't feel bad for me
I want you to know
Deep in the cell of my heart
I really want to go.
There is another world
There is a better world
Well, there must be.

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Date:2004-03-27 02:49
Subject:She's a fairy with broken wings...
Security:Public
Mood: depressed

"Things that I have realized today:
1. How amazing lucky charms are (the cereal)
2. How hard it is to find a job.
3. No matter how successful you are in your life, certain people, fears or insecurites can always bring you down.
4. No matter how many times you explain something to someone, some people will just never understand.
5. How frusterating it must be when my kitten tries so hard to climb to my food, only for me to pick her up and put her back on the floor.
6. No matter how alone i could ever feel, i know I will always have my family to stick up for me, and vice versa."

I wrote that livejournal entry on April 18th of last year. Almost a year ago. #6 is what is getting me down so much lately.

Because I stuck by that. #6 is what gave me hope and faith that everything was going to be okay. But #6 does not exist anymore. Scott's gone. Steven is a fuck-up who I love, but will be in jail by the end of the year. My parents don't give a fuck what I have to say or my feelings. Of course they care about me, they love me, i'm their daughter. But they don't take me seriously. They know nothing about me. They don't want to know anything about me and whenever i try to talk to them, they tell me i'm weird or ask me if i need to go on more medicine.

They want me to move home. They don't want me home cos they miss me, no. They want me home cos it will save them some money. They just bought a house in florida and a house in hoboken, new jersey and my dad a new car. I have 5 more months left in philadelphia until I move to new york city for school, and they want me to break my lease and move home. They do not understand that I have a life here. I have friends (as few as they are) here. I have people I care about and feel strongly about. I have built (somewhat) of a name for myself involving my photography. I am trying to get somewhere.

If I left now, all of that would be lost. It would be gone. The idea of moving home right now, just at the drop of a hat is not an option. But they do not care. I tried to talk to them about it, but they will not listen. Nor will they call me back. My mother hung up on me 3 days ago and hasn't called me since. My dad said he would call me back 3 days ago and hasn't called me since, either. This hurts more than they could ever know. And they know i am hurting, too. They heard me cry. They just don't care.

Things are changing right before my eyes and I can't do anything to stop it. I wish so badly that things could go back to #6. That comfort and hope is gone. That faith I had in my family is lost. It feels more alone than i ever could have imagined.

I have not spoken to Jenny and I miss her. Things have been so hectic lately and draining and I'm not sure what I'm doing with myself. I wish i could get into my car and drive to florida so badly. But i know I would not make it. I hope that everything is ok with her and bella and hector. I think about them every single day.

Brian is moving out of my apartment next week. I know I will not realize this until the day after he leaves and I wonder "where's brian? he hasn't been here all day." Then I will realize what happened and I will cry my eyes out. I will miss him so much and I don't think he knows it. I hope to god that things stay the same between me and him. He is someone I will truly regret ever losing from my life. People come and go throughout my life all of the time. But brian is one friend that has a place in my heart forever.

Jenni Bender is going through some hard shit, as always. That girl understands me like no one else. It is an amazing thing. It is something I have often asked for but never thought I would recieve. I wish that she got a break once in a while. If its not one thing, it's another and it hurts me to see it. I wish I could buy her an island and fly her there for the weekends so she could relax once in a while. Her grandma is sick and I hope to god that she gets better soon. I just want her and her family to be okay. Jenni has supported me and understood through my fears and insecurities that most people aren't even aware of. That is something that is so comforting to me, and I only hope I can return these efforts to her as well.

I have been going on job interviews for the past 3 weeks. I've gone on about 8 or 9 now and had numerous phone interviews, but have not gotten hired. On monday I have a job interview to drive a van full of Penn students. I hope that I get the job. I will work everday, I do not care. I have had $5 dollars in my bank account for the past week and Jenni's parents gave me 40 dollars to spend on food and coke and cigarettes, thank god for that. They are so nice. I cannot call my parents and ask them for money and I won't. I'd rather starve. I will just be ok until I start working and get my first paycheck. I'll live without. It does not matter, food coke and cigarettes is barely even a sacrifice compared to what other people go through in this world.

This livejournal entry is dragging on and on and i think i just like the fact that i am typing so fast. I just like the way it feels for some reason. I actually have something to say. But I am just rambling now, so i think i will end it.

Thank you for all who have sat here and read this. Whoever you may be, you're efforts of reading and paying attention to what i have to say mean a lot.

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Date:2004-03-04 21:11
Subject:
Security:Public

i think...that people are fucking annoying.


Everybody's sad. Not many people have much of a reason to be sad, but will express sadness either way. Depression has become such a trend that it makes me sick.

I think that people fill their heads with pointless, meaningless shit. I think that people are liars. I think that people make a point to act like such a good person. It's such an easy effort to speak like a hero. To say certain things to make everything better. To sit and listen and then give your opinion and never speak about it again. Once the conversation is over, it is out of your mind. To sit and spill bullshit from your mouth and look into another persons eyes for a split second to show that you mean what you say. This makes you feel better because you feel you did your part. You feel these pointless comments will stick in the other persons head when it counts and your opinion sticks out more than others.

It doesn't.

I am teaching myself to not care as much. I am teaching myself to stick up for myself. I will care when it counts, that i cannot help. But i know who needs it and who does not. And I know who means it and who does not. I have learned to see through people. I know half the people who are in my life now, will not be in my life in one year. I will continue to treat others the way I want to be treated. And it is a test. Who will stand by me and who will not. I do not care. At this point its just a stupid test. The special ones know who they are. I have told them. I will not tell people who do not deserve it. If you assume that this is about you, then it probably is. And if it's not about you and you assume it is, then you have low self esteem. And you have not trusted the words I have told you.

And I won't feel bad for things that i have done. Because everything i've done has good intentions. And if you feel the need to make me feel bad, then you're fucked in my eyes.

I don't fucking care anymore.

ps. jennifer martinez, i need to come to florida. and check out www.workmag.net and www.melissafarley.com , there should be new stuff up there soon. i miss you.

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Date:2004-03-01 03:10
Subject:WORK MAGAZINE
Security:Public

CHECK IT OUT.



WORKMAG.NET


QUESTIONS ABOUT SUBMISSIONS OR COMMENTS

CONTACT MELISSA@MELISSAFARLEY.COM OR TONY@KEMDESIGN.NET

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Date:2004-01-28 12:35
Subject:My fucking dreams are all i've got...
Security:Public

I had a dream last night. I don't remember too much of it.

Scott was in it and we spoke. My dreams are always like...he's there and he was dead in the dream but he came back. So, it's like he's dealing with the fact that he died and things are rough for him.

I don't remember too much of it.

I was supposed to hang out with him and my friend vic. I was really excited about that. I was at a show in the dream and scott walked in with a giant keyboard and i screamed "scott, scott!!!" and i stuck up my hand and waved it at him and he smiled and waved back.

It's just so weird when you dream about somebody every night who is dead. Cos, yeah, you just wake up in the morning realizing that it was only a dream, and that's all that you got.

That's all that i've got but i haven't really admitted that to myself yet. My dreams keep me from understanding.

It hurts so fucking bad to realize that someone you loved is gone and you will never ever see them again.

My dad said he saw scott. At night when he was trying to sleep, he said scott came to his room.

I try to do that sometimes. I'll lie in my bed and close my eyes and think about scott and try to picture his face and then open my eyes real quick and look around to see if maybe he came, but he never does.

that's so pathetic.

I can't stay in this city too much longer. I love my friends here and everything, but this place is holding me down. Certain people are holding me down. I can't stand the fact that I walk into a restaurant and theres someone i went to high school with right there. And I gotta say hi and pretend to be nice and smile when i'd really just like to spit in her face.

And maybe leaving is just running away, but fuck it. I don't care at this point. but things have got to change and i've gotta stop feeling like this. and i've gotta stop fighting with someone 3 times a day and i've gotta stop feeling bad about myself and worrying that i do things wrong. If it keeps up it's gonna make me...i don't know. when i get stressed i've started to pull on my hair and that worries me. I don't wanna hurt myself like that.

My birthday is in a couple days. February 2nd. I'll be turning 21. Last year i went out to dinner with my parents and steven and scott. Scott told me on my 21st birthday we would go out to a bar and get shitfaced together. this year i'll be in australia. that's awesome and all. but i'd much rather be in a bar in new milford, ct, getting shitfaced with my brother.

It's never been a happy day, though. Fuck it, i'm getting too old for this shit, i guess.

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Date:2004-01-14 04:05
Subject:
Security:Public
Mood: sad

So, I don't even know what to think anymore. I have had five people in my entire life who i gave my trust to. Who i have given myself to. Who I have felt understood me and believed the things that they said. Each one of them has said to me "I won't hurt you." "I won't give up on you." "I won't leave you."
Matsy
Scott
Brian
Tony
and someone else who will remain nameless.

3 out of those 5 have left me in one way or another.
I don't believe shit anymore.
I never left any of them.
I never gave up on them.
I'd give them anything they ever needed.

It don't matter. Cos I'll be alright, right?
I don't need anybody. - Fuck that, yes i do. I need to trust people like everybody else. I need to relate to people like everybody else. I need to be understood. I need to be told that everything will be okay.

but it's cool. Cos i just won't believe anybody anymore. Tell me you won't hurt me. Tell me you love me. Tell me you care about me. Tell me i'm beautiful. It's cool. you don't have to worry. there ain't no pressure there cos you can tell me those things and i won't believe a word you say.

You meet people every single day of your life. whether you are walking down the street, whether you're at a gas station or fucking wawa. You meet somebody new everyday. You talk to somebody new every day. Of all of those people that you've met in your lifetime, how many of those people can you say you trust? How many of those people have proven true to you? How many of those people have been there when you're at your worst?
You can probably count it on your hands.

Point is, it's rare. Connections, trust, and understanding of one another is rare to find in people. Hold on to those you trust. Hold on to those who trust you. Don't be a pussy if it hurts. Don't be a pussy if it scares you, because you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

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Date:2004-01-10 04:59
Subject:Tonight
Security:Public

It's 4:59 am on friday morning. My plan was to leave early this morning to drive to connecticut to visit my family and matsy. I hope that i get up early enough to go. I will be disappointing people if i don't.

Currently Brian is in the bedroom listening to "Cry me a river" by Justin Timberlake and Tony is asleep on my couch.

For those who don't know, i have a piece of wood stuck in my foot. I tried cutting my foot open with an exacto blade to get it out but didn't succeed in doing so. Now I just cannot walk. Hopefully that will be taken care of this weekend in CT.

Do you ever just get so bored with shit that you don't even know what to do with yourself? Right now i am so bored with my life that I don't know how to keep myself occupied. I have adjusted to my chair and playing the sims on playstation. I don't know how good that could be for me. I haven't taken pictures in a long time and that isn't very good as well. I have no motivation in me whatsoever.

Jenni has been sick lately (friend jenni, not mom jenni) which sucks. I feel bad because she is sick and I know what it's like to feel sick all of the time. I miss hanging out with her but i'm sure she'll get better soon. I have fun hanging out with her. I consider her quite a good friend of mine. Which is weird to me, but still very nice. I've never taken to girls easily, but she is different from most people i've met in general. It is nice to talk to a girl and honestly believe that they understand what you are talking about and where you're coming from. In my experience, most girls i've talked to have looked at me as if i am crazy when I speak my mind. So its quite refreshing to find somebody who you can relate to.

I feel like i am getting the energy sucked out of me. Like sometimes i have no energy to even speak. And i get so frusterated with things lately that i feel like i wanna tear my hair out of my head. Actually i'd rather do worse things than that but i'd rather not write them on an internet journal. I can only relax when i know that things are okay with the people around me. It hurts my heart sometimes because I know this is not good for me. My hearts been hurting too much lately and thats when I know that things have got to change.

Cry me a river.

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Date:2003-12-02 02:32
Subject:Things that I hate:
Security:Public

This is a list of things that I hate:

1. being sick (like right now)
2. throwing up
3. when i don't have coke
4. when i don't have cigarettes
5. getting harassed on the street.
6. not having my contacts in and not being able to find my glasses because i am legally blind and everythign blends in with everything else.
7. when my hair gets staticy
8. when i don't stand up for myself
9. being hungry
10. being hungry but not being in the mood to eat anything.
11. not having ideas for photo's.
12. when people call my work "Sex Art"
13. when its super hot in my apt and i can't sleep.
14. falling asleep super early in the morning and then waking up to it being dark again.
15. in movies when somebody takes a drag of a cigarette, but you don't see them exhale.
16. when lola pee's on my furniture.
17. when lola won't let me pet her when alls i want is some affection from my kitten.
18. when my nose is stuffy.
19. when people are mean.
20. when people get made fun of.
21. when people get hurt unnecessarily
22. when people are selfish
23. when people don't get enough credit that they deserve.
24. cheese.
25. pudding.
26. punk pop jersey music.
27. getting told what to do.
28. not being taken seriously.
29. pepsi.
30. having headaches.
31. being bored.
32. when people tell me to "chill out"
33. when i want to be alone but i can't be alone.
34. having a sore throat and having to play a show.
35. when people make fun of my "accent"
36. when people die.
37. June 2nd, 2003
38. not being able to see jenny and bella
39. when my dad drinks
40. when my mom cries.
41. when matsy drinks and drives.
42. not having clean socks.
43. when my heart hurts.
44. when my jeans are cold against my legs.
45. when people say one thing and do another.
46. when people take advantage of me.
47. when people take advantage of me and i don't do anything about it.
48. when men take women for granted.
49. when men use women for ass.
50. when people care too much about the way they look or what parties they will be attending.
51. when people think they're cool because they know this band or this band. also, when people think they're better than you because of the music they listen to.
52. when people waste their lives on petty bullshit.
53. Rape.


THAT IS ALL FOR THIS ONE RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT FEELING WELL. WORD UP.

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Date:2003-11-27 03:57
Subject:Things that make me happy:
Security:Public

This is my list of things that make me happy:
(don't feel like you have to read all of it.)

1. My family and friends
2. Taking pictures.
3. Coffee and coke.
4. cigarettes
5. diners
6. meeting new people.
7. playing shows
8. singing
9. snow
10. driving
11. listening to music
12. eating
13. eating good food.
14. being full.
16. dyeing my hair
17. playing with animals
18. playing with children.
19. going to florida.
20. printing pictures.
21. getting complimented on my work.
22. playing the sims
23. having a clean apartment
24. having money.
25. being excited for something.
26. giving presents.
27. listening to people
28. giving advice.
29. complimenting someone when they really deserve it.
30. making lists
31. telling jokes
32. eating candy.
33. listening to neutral milk hotel
34. getting tattooed (sort of)
35. watching the simpsons and family guy
36. going to look at magazines.
37. being inspired.
38. playing with scooter and lola.
39. talking to my dad and mom
40. talking to jenny.
41. talking to bella.
42. going food shopping.
43. wearing long underwear and sweaters.
44. wearing hoods
45. looking at stars (even though that sounds gay)
46. going to the ocean
47. being by myself
48. matsy.
49. tony.
50. brian.
51. standing up for myself.
52. biting my nails
53. sucking my thumb w/ my blankie.
54. putting my stuff in a clean bag/backpack
55. when its cold all winter and then the first day where its warm enough to wear a short sleeve shirt.
56. having flowers, giving, getting them.
57. doing something for somebody and seeing how excited they are.
58.drawing pictures.
59. making mixtapes/cds
60. going to shows of a band that i really like.
61. seeing kids get excited at shows.
62. making up songs about people who walk down the street.
63. listening to music when i walk down the street.
64. 4-5 o'clock in new milford.
65. light.
66. getting hugged till i squeak.
67. falling asleep in my bed with lots of covers when its very cold out.
68. not having my heart hurt.
69. taking naps.
70. stars (the shape)
71.smelling gasoline.
72. smelling old smells that remind me of happy things.
73. laughing
74. sometimes when i'm talking about scott.



THATS ALL I CAN THINK OF RIGHT NOW, BECAUSE IT'S 4:18 AM. BUT I KNOW THAT THERE IS MORE. WELL I HOPE SO AT LEAST.

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Date:2003-11-12 19:44
Subject:
Security:Public

Nobody ever asks me about my brother. Everytime I bring him up, they look at me like it's a touchy subject for them and change it. I just hate how nobody asks me about him. I want to talk about him. Cos I want him to be remembered and stuff. Alls they gotta do is fuckin listen. I just really hate this a lot.

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Date:2003-10-24 22:52
Subject:FUCKING DORK
Security:Public

I am a dork. I really am. you're probably saying to yourself "but, melissa, you're not a dork. I like you. I think you're cool" or you are saying "yea, you're a fucking dork" Either way, you're right. I am cool in the way that I can hold my own. And I can do what I want to do and I am not easily pressured or persuaded to be anything else. But I am not "cool" cool. I am not and I never have been. Yet, every person I hang out with is "cool" cool. I fit in with them, one on one. But, never in a group. I am too quiet and I don't care enough about what people have to say, so I end up just leaving wherever I go to.
I would much rather sit home by myself and think about stuff, or write or take pictures then party every night.
Sometimes, this bothers me. Sometimes I get down on myself and I wish I was part of a group of friends or whatever, but i know that will never happen. I just could never adjust myself to fit in enough.
And I know why boys like me so much. And they do. I am not gonna deny it. I am not going to sit and pretend like i am oblivious to the way guys are towards me and pretend that I am not desirable to people and fish for compliments. Because I know this.
And it is not because I am anything special. And I'm not.
It is because I am awkward and weird. And that is not something you normally see in pretty looking girls. Most pretty looking girls I know are more concerned with their appearance and status than non-pretty looking girls.
Everytime I try and go out and have a good time with a group of people, something ends up hitting me in the head back into reality and what is real to me. And then what I currently am doing is no longer important to me, and I end up having to leave because I cannot pretend anymore.

I am just really crazy.
and you love it. and I wish that i did too.

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Date:2003-10-20 00:13
Subject:I do this because Jenny likes it.
Security:Public

1. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME?
Sara

2. WHAT KIND OF PANTS ARE YOU WEARING
Jeans

3. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
The news

4. WHAT ARE THE LAST 4 DIGITS OF YOUR PHONE
NUMBER?
2784

5. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
umm...I don't remember.

6. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD
YOU BE?
Bright blue

7. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW?
cold and rainy

8. LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
My mommy and daddy!


9. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE
OTHER SEX?
The way they wear their pants.

10. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT YOU
THIS?
I got it from some random persons journal.

11. HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
feeling sick and shitty, but that's normal.

12. FAVORITE DRINK?
coke coke cokeee

13. FAVORITE ALCOHOLIC DRINK?
Jack Daniels

14. FAVORITE SPORTS?
um...lacrosse or field hockey
15. HAIR COLOR?
blonde

16. EYE COLOR?
green

17. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
yes.

18. SIBLINGS AND THEIR AGES?
See, this is the problem. How do I answer this question now? and I am not trying to be sad or anything. I have one, but had 2. One is 17. the other was 22.

19. FAVORITE MONTH?
None.

20. FAVORITE FOOD?
Hamburgers

21. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Resevoir Dogs

22. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR?
um... my birthday. sort of.

23. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT?
fuck no. bring it the fuck on.

24. DO YOU LIKE SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING
MOVIES BETTER?
Happy ending movies. I don't like scary movies.

25. SUMMER OR WINTER?
winter.

26. HUGS OR KISSES?
high fives.

28. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA?
chocolate

29. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK?
what friends?

30. WHO IS MOST LIKELY NOT TO RESPOND?
everyone.

31. WHO IS LIKELY TO RESPOND?
to this? Jenny

32. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING?
none.
33. WHAT'S ON YOUR SCREEN SAVER (Also
DESKTOP)?
uh. screen saver, black. desktop, somebullshit.

34. FAVORITE BOARD GAME?
id ont have one. but i like connect four.

35. WHAT DID YOU DO LAST NIGHT?
Um, rode 3 wheelers with Matsy. Went to EMS w/ matsy. Ate dinner at Desert Moon w/ matsy. Then watched a movie w/ matsy. Then he fell asleep. Then I played the Sims and then talked on the phone w/ tony.

36. FAVORITE SMELLS?
Fall, Curve cologne. Gasoline. Springtime. Cigars.

37. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF
WHEN YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
My brother.
38. FAVORITE ALBUM TITLE? (JUST THE TITLE,
REGARDLESS OF THE MUSIC)
You Forgot It In People

39. EVER BREAK SOMEONE'S HEART?
too many times. I'm sorry.

40. DO YOU SMOKE? IF YES, PLEASE ELABORATE:
yes. Just Camel Filters. Nothing else.

41. WHAT IS YOUR WORST QUALITY?
I'm insane.

42. WHAT IS YOUR BEST QUALITY?
I'm insane.
43. HAVE ANY NICKNAMES?
um, meliss. Bird. Moonshine. Mel, sometimes.

44. WHEN DID YOU LAST "GET SOME?"
long, long time ago.

45. ARE YOU HAPPY?
no

46. ARE YOU HORNY?
no

47. What can you say about the person who sent
you this?
no one sent it to me

48. ARE you a fag?
no.

49. have you ever had the beer shits?
uh. i'm not gonna answer this stupid question.

4 comments | post a comment



Date:2003-10-16 16:11
Subject:
Security:Public

mon frère est mort il y a quatre mois, et il brise mon coeur chaque
jour où je vis.

Il est vivant dans mes rêves chaque nuit. Et je me réveille à
découvrir encore une fois.

Just knowing how I am, I think i will no longer be interested in the things most people are interested in. And because of what I have written above, I think I will be like this for a long time.

Meaning, leaving places early to go home and sit by myself. Not hanging out w/ people and not answering my phone so i can sit home and be by myself.

It doesn't help, nor is it fun. But it is what I want. I guess.

In other news, I have class tonight and it will be very boring. Also, I hate my apartment and tony is coming over tonight to help me rearrange everything. I hope a lot of this shit will be thrown out.

I hate when people get their feelings hurt. And I mean getting there feelings hurt without reason, from people who are selfish. I hate it. It breaks my heart. People who have good intentions to find out that others are just mean. I hate people who feel sorry for themselves though. I hate it when people get sad for no reason and it is not caused by depression but just some petty reason that they use to feel sorry for themselves. I get so mad at that. I dunno, whatever.

5 comments | post a comment



Date:2003-10-10 14:12
Subject:When I sleep...
Security:Public

Alls I ever have are bad dreams. Always, bad dreams that wake me up to sink right back into reality, and I feel the pain while sinking, deep deep deep into depression and knowing thing's will never be as content as they are when in my own mind.

People have nightmares. Sometimes, reality is my nightmare.

Don't comment unless you're jenny.

1 comment | post a comment



Date:2003-10-09 15:58
Subject:Today...
Security:Public
Mood: bouncy

Today I had class. And I went crazy. I now have realized why people think i'm so strange. I sat in class in the back row, didn't speak a word to anybody in the classroom, although I know they know who i am. I have had classes with those people before. I drank too much coffee and coke beforehand, so i was jumping all over my seat. And of course, nobody thought it was funny, they just whispered about how "that girl over there can't stop moving". The class was really boring and I was getting angry and you could see it on my face, in the way that i never smile. I was getting angry because I didnt think i needed to be in that class and i felt like going up to the teacher and saying "i'm leaving, i'll have all this work done by week 3" What the teacher is asking us to do, is what i've been doing for the past 2 years of my life. I could take the final tomorrow and pass with an A. but no, i can't do that. I have sit there for 4 hours a week for 11 weeks and listen to bullshit.
And then since i was bored, I had gone out and bought a pack of wintergreen gum, and I ate every single piece during class. About 20 pieces. Basically, I would eat a piece, then when the gum lost its flavor i would spit it out on the table and eat another piece. this happened 20 times, until i was finished with the gum and it was all in a big ball on my desk. At that point, i continued to sculpt a bunny rabbit out of the remaining gum.

And yes i now know why people think i'm crazy. I guess i bring it upon myself. but it's cool. At least I wasn't the girl sitting in front of me with all different colored dreads sitting on top of her head. Fake ones. Or the girl sitting beside me with her back pierced 16 times in a row, with a piece of leather strung between each piercing.

At least I'm not that.

I can promise you, I'll never be that.

2 comments | post a comment



Date:2003-10-06 17:50
Subject:fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
Security:Public
Mood: lazy

If I were a month I would be: october
If I were a day of the week I would be: thursday
If I were a time of day I would be: night
If I were a planet I would be: neptune
If I were a sea animal I would be: a seahorse
If I were a direction I would be: east
If I were a piece of furniture I would be: a bed
If I were a historical figure I would be: freud
If I were a liquid I would be: coca cola
If I were a stone, I would be: i dont know
If I were a tree, I would be: a weeping willow
If I were a bird, I would be: a little yellow one
If I were a tool, I would be: a sledgehammer
If I were a flower/plant, I would be: an aloe plant
If I were a kind of weather, I would be: snowy
If I were a musical instrument, I would be: a harmonica
If I were an animal, I would be: Lola
If I were a color, I would be: blue
If I were an emotion, I would be: complacent
If I were a vegetable, I would be: broccoli
If I were a sound, I would be: whistling
If I were an element, I would be: hydrogen
If I were a car, I would be: 95 honda del sol
If I were a song, I would be: Neutral Milk Hotel - Ghost
If I were a movie, I would be directed by: umm, devon kerr
If I were a book, I would be written by: joyce carol oates
If I were a food, I would be: pokemon rolls
If I were a place, I would be: london
If I were a material, I would be: lambswool
If I were a taste, I would be: sweet
If I were a scent, I would be: fleur d'interdit by Givenchy
If I were a religion, I would be: none
If I were a word, I would be: sorry
If I were an object, I would be: a wine bottle
If I were a body part I would be: um, eyes
If I were a facial expression I would be: smile
If I were a subject in school I would be: english
If I were a cartoon character I would be: theodore from alvin and the chipmunks
If I were a shape I would be: star
If I were a number I would be: 34907823049789203498230948293489320394820394803948302948392049832094832048920394892034983902498320384920948029578923057892303489029489230849230849304

2 comments | post a comment


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